Tech support

[imac]

Customer: "Hi, I can't seem to connect you guys are you having a problem?"
Tech Support: "Well sir, what dialup software are you using?"
Customer: "The one you provided."
Tech Support: "And what version is it?"
Customer: (says the version number)
Tech Support: "Oh, that's the problem you need the latest version."
Customer: "Ok, how do I get it?"
Tech Support: "Well, just transfer the file via FTP."
Customer: "Well that would be nice, but I can't connect to the Internet."
Tech Support: (sounding exasperated) "I told you just to FTP the file sir."
I hung up.
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I use a cable modem ISP, one of North America's largest ISPs. During one of their interminable outages,
I called to demand what the problem was.

Tech Support: "Is your computer on? Is the modem plugged in?"
Me: "Yes, it's on and working fine. The modem's plugged in, but it isn't getting anything from your end."
Tech Support: "Ok, can you click on the 'Start' button and type 'WINIPCFG'--"
Me: "Yes, I know. My IP is listed as 169.XXX.XXX.XXX."
This IP was the one Windows 98 usually gives when it's supposed to have one assigned to it but doesn't get one.

Tech Support: "Well, sir, that's the problem."
Me: "Yes, I know. I'm getting no IP. I'm not in the network."
Tech Support: "No, sir, the problem is that you're using a Mac."
Er....

Me: "I'm sorry?"
Tech Support: "Sir, your IP is a Mac IP. You're not using a PC."
Me: "Uhhh, I am using a PC. It's a Dell with an Intel PII-450 CPU. I'm running Windows 98."
Tech Support: "No, sir. Your IP indicates that your computer is a Mac. IPs that start with those numbers
are used by Macs."
Me: "You know, I don't think it works that way. I'm pretty certain IPs are assigned based on where the
computer is in a domain and a subdomain and such. I know all your IPs assigned in this area start
with XXX. And I'm quite certain my computer is a PC."
Tech Support: "I don't think we use 'domain' here."
Me: "Can I speak to a supervisor, please?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This incident happened to me in India. This was in 1992-3 when Windows 3.1 was becoming popular.
My machine had a CGA card and monitor, which I exchanged for a VGA card and monitor.
The machine booted up -- there were no warning beeps -- but nothing was appearing on the screen.
So I called up tech support.


Customer: "The computer boots up without any warning beeps, but nothing shows up on the screen."
Tech Support: "Is the monitor connected."
Customer: "Yes, but there is no display."
Tech Support: "Did you install the drivers for the VGA card?"
Customer: "How can I install them before I'm in DOS?"
Tech Support: "You have to install the drivers first before you can get a display."
Customer: "You don't need VGA drivers to boot to DOS like you do for Windows. I should be able to boot to DOS."
Tech Support: "Well, insert the floppy you received with your card. Go to the A:\Utilities directory. Type 'readme.com'."
Customer: "I cannot see anything. How do you expect me to read a file on the screen?"
Tech Support: "Read the file, and it will explain everything."
I hung up. The problem was that the monitor was broken. I took it to the shop and proved it, and they gave me
a replacement.

------------------------------------------------
My school district decided to require us school psychologists to do all our reports on laptops and print from a
single printer. After a few months the laptop they provided me ceased to work with the printer. I spoke with the
IT Manager.

IT Manager: "I don't know if the problem is a hardware problem or a software problem."
Me: "Ok."
IT Manager: "So I can't solve the problem now."
Me: "When can you solve it?"
IT Manager: "I told you: I don't know if it is a hardware problem or a software problem. I can't fix it until I know."
Me: "Ok. I need to print my reports. When will I be able to?"
IT Manager: (angrily) "Look, if it's a hardware problem I can't fix it! I don't know if it is a hardware or a software problem."
I made several more attempts to communicate with the IT manager about this problem over the next few weeks,
only to find myself in the same conversation. Finally, I sent a memo to my boss, explaining that I was having
difficulty getting tech support and could not print out my reports. My boss wrote back:

Boss: "Please do not harass the IT Manager anymore. He has already explained to you that he doesn't know
whether it is a software problem or a hardware problem."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

About a year ago, my mother was having problems with her brand new computer. She hadn't had it for a month
before the video card died. She called the customer service line and spoke with a technical support representative,
who diagnosed the problem and promised that they would send a new card to her.

She received the new card and called the 800 number again, this time asking what to do with the card.
The guy that was helping her said, "Do you see the screws on the back of the computer? Well, take them all out
and take off the case. You will see a card that looks like the one you just received. Replace it with the card you
have and put the case back on." And then he hung up.

So here is my mother, staring at the back of her computer, seeing an array of screws, and wondering which ones
she should take out. She followed his directions to the letter and unscrewed all of the screws on the back of her
computer, not just the ones around the casing edge. All of her computer components hit the bottom of the case
with a bang.

When the dust settled and she realized what she had done, she called back, in hysterics. Thankfully, she got a
nice woman who understood and agreed that it was the tech support guy's fault for not staying with her on the
phone. She agreed to ship her a new computer at no charge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I was in college, I needed to connect to the school's network from my own computer in my dorm room.
I knew there was a dial-up number that would allow me to log in and run limited commands. All I needed to know
was the number. So I called the help desk.

Me: "I'm trying to access the University's network from my computer in my dorm room. Can you help me?"
Help Desk: "Which lab are you in?"
Me: "I'm not in a lab. I'm in my room."
Help Desk: "Then you're not on the network."
Me: "But I want to connect over the phone line. What number do I need to dial?"
Help Desk: "You need to call [phone number of help desk]."
Me: "No, that's your phone number. I need a dial-up number for the computer."
Help Desk: "I don't understand. What are you trying to do?"
Me: "I want to connect my computer to the school's network through the dial-up."
Help Desk: "Why don't you use a computer in the lab?"
Me: "That would defeat the purpose of having a computer in my room."
Help Desk: "Well, your computer is not connected to the school network."
Me: "I know! I want to use my modem to connect."
Help Desk: "What's a modem?"
Me: "Never mind."

[Alan]

This is an oldie but goodie and I suppose you could say it's the revenge of the Help Desk:

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)

“Ridge Hall computer Assistance; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cable goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cable to the plug and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No”
“Well there are. I need you to look back there again, and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean right over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle, it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power failure.”
“A power… a power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes. I keep them in the cupboard.”
“Good. Get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too f…..g stupid to own a computer!”

[LoneWolf]

Originally posted by Alan

“Because there’s a power failure.”
“A power… a power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes. I keep them in the cupboard.”
“Good. Get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too f…..g stupid to own a computer!”

ROFLMAO

[danielctull]

Indeed that is most funny...

Heres one I had last week, I call it the...
HSBC Online Banking Problem
Okay so, I've got a new credit card that appears with all my other accounts with HSBC. Thing is when I click on the credit card account it wont let me ee the transactions and tells me to call a number quoting reference 816 or something...

HSBC: Hello HSBC internet banking, can I take your Account number?
Me: Blah Blah Blah Blah
HSBC: Okay, and your internet password please...
ME: Dah Dah Dum Dah
HSBC: Okay How can I help?
Me: I'm on the internet banking and it wont let me see my credit card transacsions.
HSBC: Uh-hu.
Me: Yeah, it told me to ring this number and quote 816.
HSBC: Okay. I cancheck your transactions now if you like.
Me: Erm...
HSBC: You have a £29.99 from play.com, and £17.99 from play.com
ME: Yes I know, what about the internet banking?
HSBC: Okay, well you seem to be getting alot of confirmation problems...
Me: Oh
HSBC: I'll transfer you to Credit Card helpdesk...
Me: Oh

How bloomin' useful...

You guessed it, i cannot get my credit card transactions up now, and I dare try again to be honest...:rolleyes:

[Kynoch]

go down to your branch instead.

[Forthy]

I phoned Orange once from my mobile about a problem with the handset. The guy answered the call with "Welcome to Orange, Mr. Forth" so the caller ID obviously showed that I had called from my phone. The first thing the guy asks me was, "can you make calls?" - Bizzarre!

The thing that *really* winds me up though is when you get:

Press1 for x, 2 for y, 3 for z type things that take ages. You dial in a series of numbers telling the system precisely what the problem is and when somebody finally answers the phone the first thing they ask is: "How can I help you?"

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

[danielctull]

I had that with eBuyer. Thing is none of the options seemed to cover my problem, by the time i had chosen their lines were closed, so **** em, tomorrow i'm just gunna press 1 :)

[DarkAngel]

LOL, I've heard loads of these stories from tech support

"I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of trouble convincing the guy that he had a hardware problem:

Service Rep: Sir, something is burning in your power supply.

Customer: I bet there is some command I can put onto the AUTOEXEC.BAT that would take care of this.

Service Rep: There is nothing software can do to help you with this problem.

Customer: I know there is something I can put in... some command ... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS

[After a few minutes of going round and round]

Service Rep: Ok, I am not supposed to tell anyone this, but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.

[Customer does this]

Customer: It's still smoking.

Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE .

[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy, but NO ... he calls back four hours later]

Service Rep: Hello sir, how is your computer?

Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done, and how much it will cost.... "

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking it for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. "

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So many people have called to ask where the "any" key is on their keyboards when the "Press Any Key" message is displayed - Compaq is considering changing the message to "Press Return Key" "

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My favourite one though is the guy who bought Microsoft Word on floppy disks, and then called up saying it wasn't working and it had broken his computer... He had been installing from the first disk, then when the message came up saying "Please insert disk 2", he put in the second one, without taking out the first one! He kept insisting it wasn't his fault because there was no message telling you to remove the first disk!

I still can't figure out how he managed to fit the second disk in though! :confused: lol

[Raelrigs]

"I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of trouble convincing the guy that he had a hardware problem:

Service Rep: Sir, something is burning in your power supply.

Customer: I bet there is some command I can put onto the AUTOEXEC.BAT that would take care of this.

Service Rep: There is nothing software can do to help you with this problem.

Customer: I know there is something I can put in... some command ... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS

[After a few minutes of going round and round]

Service Rep: Ok, I am not supposed to tell anyone this, but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.

[Customer does this]

Customer: It's still smoking.

Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE .

[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy, but NO ... he calls back four hours later]

Service Rep: Hello sir, how is your computer?

Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done, and how much it will cost.... "



roflmao :D i havent laughed so hard in ages

i just wished i was on the microsoft phones when he called they must have wett there pants laughing

[danielctull]

Originally posted by DarkAngel
My favourite one though is the guy who bought Microsoft Word on floppy disks, and then called up saying it wasn't working and it had broken his computer... He had been installing from the first disk, then when the message came up saying "Please insert disk 2", he put in the second one, without taking out the first one! He kept insisting it wasn't his fault because there was no message telling you to remove the first disk!

I still can't figure out how he managed to fit the second disk in though! :confused: lol

Oh my God! lmao, how did he do it ?:D

[Dunc]

i've had a couple of good ones over the last year. first off with my O2 sim card. it got nicked, and i called up o2 and they said they'd send me out a replacement sim with exactly the same number. so it arrives, but the sim is locked, so i call them up to get it unlocked....

me: hi, i've just received a replacement sim after it got stolen, i needs unlocking, can i have the code?

o2 guy: sure, can you give me the number of the mobile?

me: gives him my old number..

o2 guy: ok, the unlocking code is blah blah blah

me: i typed it in, it didnt work...

o2 guy: gives it to me again to check..

me: nope, still no luck..

o2 guy: ok, well can you take out the sime card and give me the number on the back:

me: yep, it's blah blah blah..

o2 guy: sorry sir, the number you gave me originally is not the same as for this sim card..

me: oh right, so you've sent me the wrong sime card, it was meant to be the same number as before..

o2 guy: it would seem that way, sorry sir, we'll get a replacement out to you, but for now do you want to unlock this one?

me: sure, why not..

o2: ok, just to prove this is yours, can you tell me the new mobile number?

me: how am i meant to know that, i cant turn the phone on without unlocking it, how am i meant to know what number it is, cant you just tell me..

02: sorry sir, we cant do that, data protection, hows about you tell me some numbers you've recently called on this number..

me: i havent, it s a new number, i dont know it, and i cant actually turn on my phone..

02: well sorry, i cant prove it's yours then.. you'll have to wait until you've made some calls on it and then phone me back.

me: hangs up

another one was with NTL, occasionally their DHCP server goes tits up, and gives me a invalid IP, some thing beginning with 192 on a 30 second lease, with some corrupted DNS information.. ( and no, this isnt just an automatic one from windows, as you will see later). normally it comes back in a few hours but this time it didnt. i use a linux based router that i built myself out of an old pentium 150, not the best thing to say to a tech support...

me: hi, i'm not getting a valid IP address from your server..

NTL: ok, what version of windows are you using..

me: i'm not, i'm using a linux based router i built myself..

NTL: yes, but what version of windows are you using.??

Me: i'm not, it's linux, and the problem is at your end (tells him about the IP address)

NTL: i'm sorry, i'm not aware of any kind of router that doesnt use windows, has it not even got DOS?? (he says with a condescending chuckle)

me: look, it's linux, it has nothing to do with windows, everythiung else is working fine on the newtwork (yes, they are windows machines), it's just the IP from your end is wrong

NTL: sorry, we dont support this 'linux' (again with a chuckle). please just tell me what version of windows you are using.

me: you think i'm joking? let me spell this out for you (describes the concept of linux, and the router, and anthing else i fancy telling him)

NTL: (sounding a little shocked after the rant) ok, i've got a little checklist i need to go through..

me: ok, whatever, go for it...

NTL: right, is the power turned on (groan). can you boot into dos? can you press f8 when you boot up please?

me: almost hangs up at this point..

NTL: what do you mean you havent got a windows boot menu, of course pressing f8 will bring it up, are you doing this right??? You cant even boot up a computer without DOS, regardless of the version of windows you are using!! I cannot offer you assistance unless you follow my instructions!!!!

me: definitely hangs up at this point...

[Mattooooo]

Lol, anyone heard the prank phone calls that you get with the PCZone magazine? They're all about ringing up PC help lines. Very funny.

[JK47]

:O they do?

[hitto]

ok i worked on a tech service desk a few years ago and had some very funny and some bizzare calls , the one that sticks in the memory most goes line this

RING RING

ME : Hello thanks for calling the blah blah help desk
CUST : your software dont work
ME : Ok , ill run through some basic troubleshooting with you to see if we can identify the problem .............................................


10 minutes later customer finally tells me that they cannt install the software

ME: Right , so you havent actually installed the software

CUST : no i havent , it wont go in .

ME : Right , are you saying you cannt put the cd in the cd tray .

CUST :thats it exactly , the cd must be broken cos it wont fit in the computer , maybee its a funny cd or something .

ME: ok , do you have any audio cd`s , you know music cd`s ?

CUSt: yes i do , ill go get one

ME : ok put our cd on your finger , like you were putting on a ring

CUST: OK

ME : ok , now put your music cd on the same finger so they are side by side .

cust :OK

ME : Are they the same shape , size , thickness ?

CUST: yes they are identical

ME: Ok so we can see that the cd is physically perfect , Right ?

Cust : well its not the right shape .

ME : well i think we have established that its the correct shape and size to go in a cd tray and that it is identical to an audio cd .

CUST : but the cd tray is a square hole and your cd is round .

ME : right , the cd tray is a squre hole , and our cd is at fault for being circular ?

CUST : yes thats it .

ME: you have a laptop computer dont you

CUST : yes i do , how can you tell .

ME : because you have been trying to put our software cd in the floppy drive of your laptop .

CUST : Well it doesnt say on the cd that it will not work with Laptops .



no joke this actually happened .

This guy i know worked for a different company help desk and had a really difficult call .He couldnt understand the callers problem and the caller just couldnt explain it to him .

Eventually this guy asked the caller to put a copy of his config.sys and autoexec.bat files on a floppy disk and then post him a copy .

A couple of days later a jiffy bag arrives as expected from this caller .

My mate , opened the jiffy bag end emptied the contents onto his desk .

A photo copy of a 3 1/2 inch floppy disk .

Give the caller some credit though , as he had photo copied each side of the floppy disk !!!!

[danielctull]

That is pure class :D

[TazUk]

I remember a customer ringing up because he had a problem accessing a CD on his Novell Server, he couldn't get it to mount. Ran through the commands with him and he was typing the correct commands, the drivers were loaded and the CD didn't have any marks on it. After a while I asked him what CD he was trying and he said hold on I'll just get it, it's sitting on my desk. I replied so the CD's not in the server :rolleyes:

[[GPO]Solitaire]

Compaq FAQ2859 (http://web14.compaq.com/falco/detail.asp?FAQnum=FAQ2859)

Where do I find the "Any" key on my keyboard?

[Poogash]

I can't believe that question is in a FAQ! I also can't believe there are actually people that retarded around! I knew what that meant when I had an Amstrad when I was 8 years old :rolleyes:

[pranks7er]

Off Topic


imac were do you work (are you from lisburn N. Ireland) cause i wanna job in I.T would you know of any vacancies in Tech Support :) :) :)